She stole her heart…


Sad Patterns is going on an indefinite hiatus.

My personal life is chaotic right now and I just don’t have time to update this site as often as I want. I love exposing the world to terrible sewing patterns, but I have to get some ducks in a row before I can commit to this site any further.
I appreciate all the support and awful patterns I’ve received over the years.
I’m leaving the site up for as long as WordPress keeps it up. If I can get some free time, I’ll post something, but free time is a commodity I can’t afford to trade right now.

With that said, please enjoy this one for the road:


By their facial expressions, I can only assume that the guy at the door just caught these two in a passionate lover’s embrace. That, or they are making their escape after swiping the family silver. Now, I might be hopeless romantic, but something tells me the only thing they’re smuggling under those cloaks is a burning desire for one another.






Guy on right: “Oh man, I feel so alive right now! I’m so glad we finally did it!”

Guy on left: “Now Steve, no one can learn of what we did in behind the alter.  We have to keep this a secret or we’ll get in major trouble.”

Guy on right: “I know I know, but it just felt so good!”

Guy on left: “It was exhilarating, wasn’t it? But seriously, keep it on the down low because if people knew we sneaked in early to fill the aspergillum basin with vodka instead of holy water, we’d probably be excommunicated!”

Guy on right: “Oh man, it’d be worth it to see the look on old man Sinclair’s face when he realizes he’s just hosed down the congregation with a bottle of Popov!”

Guy on left: “Yeah yeah, just remember to start throwing olives as he does it, and yell “SHAKEN NOT STIRRED!!” OK?”

Male bonding


Guy on left: “Gimmie back my beer, old man.”

Guy on right: “Get bent, whippersnapper. I doubt you’re even old enough to drink it.”

Guy on left: “I’m serious, gramps. That’s my beer and I’ll take you out if I have to.”

Guy on right: “Kiss my backside, pansy! You think just ’cause you got a couple years on me that I can’t kick your hairy ass? I cut my teeth in WWII, believe me when I say I’m trained to kill a man with my bare hands.”

Guy on left: “I swear, if Aunt Ethyl wasn’t trying to take a picture right now, I’d jab these darts so far up your…”

Guy on right: “Just you try it, dimwit. ‘Course, you couldn’t find your own ass with two hands and flashlight; good luck getting a hold of my keister!”

More for The Harvest

funny, paterns, Sad Patterns,il_fullxfull.755798123_siu1

Girl on right: “He’s the one -the tall guy with the hat.”

Girl on left: “Ahh yes, he will make a fine sacrifice for the dark lord.”

Girl on right: “Now, remember your training. When you approach him, pretend you are scared to cross the street, then when he holds your hand to cross, drain him of his life essence.”

Girl on left: “The Master will devour his soul with relish!”

Girl on right: “OK, get going, and make it quick! We still have to get to school, and you know if we’re late to class just one more time, Mrs. Crabtree is gonna give us detention!”

Girl on left: “I fear her wrath more than the Dark One’s.”

Girl on right: “RIGHT!? At least the Dark One doesn’t give us pop quizzes.”

Doll face


“Here dear, mommy made you a faceless doll, clutching the arm of a gangling bear that looks like a possessed puppet trying to walk on its own.”

You know, something is missing from this picture…


Theeeeeere it is.


Swingin’ on the back porch


Damn lady, you go some kind of nice back porch with a view like that!

And if by “rag,” you mean something that will eventually be torn to shreds and used to wash the car with, then yes, this is definitely a rag.

I mean, I could go on a rant about how boxy and dumpy most quilted jacket patterns are, but frankly, the fact that the pattern company thought a MAPLE LEAF CARDIGAN was best sold in front of a tropical paradise backdrop is enough of a moronic paradox to make me hold my tongue for a while.


Love means…


Dear Ali McGraw,

Please, for the sake of all that is precious, NEVER design another pattern.
I don’t know how to break this to you, but no woman on this planet ever needs to wear layered place mats on her shoulders. Frankly speaking, you look like you’re sticking your head through the center of the breakfast table.
Just, no.

Hugs and kisses,

Sad Patterns