Amicable separation

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Guy in red: “Look Steve, I’m sorry this ski trip didn’t turn out the way you planned, but I think it’s time we both realize that we don’t work as a couple any more.”

Guy in white: “I guess part of me knew it was over before I booked the tickets. I… I just thought that spending time together, away from everything, was the answer.”

Guy in red: “If it’s any consolation, I’ve really enjoyed this little vacation. These last few days have been a blast. I hope we can still be friends after this.”

Guy in white: “Of course we can still be friends. I mean, I’ll be posting horrible things about you on Facebook when we get back, and blaming you for the breakup,  but yeah, we’ll always be buddies.”

Guy in red: “Cool! Right after I Photoshop your head onto a picture of a Clydesdale’s rear-end, then post it on Instagram with the caption, ‘I finally ditched that horse’s ass,’ we should grab lunch.”

Guy in white: “Alright, but my treat!”

Guy in red: “You’re the best!”

 

Not feeling my vest right now

As I am currently gearing up to attend the Houston International Quilt Festival, I thought we should round out the season with a selection of questionable wearable art.

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I don’t know who Heidi is, but I feel the need to sit her down and give her a long lecture about what is and isn’t appropriate fashion design. I mean, I hesitate to use the word “fashion” when describing this, but “pieced nightmare” seemed a bit harsh.

 

The 70’s called…

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If you stare at those blue hats long enough, the theme song to What’s Happening will start playing in your head. If you don’t hear the What’s Happening theme, but instead hear the theme song to Maude, you’ll need to seek medical attention as quickly as possible.

Amen…

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Guy on right: “Oh man, I feel so alive right now! I’m so glad we finally did it!”

Guy on left: “Now Steve, no one can learn of what we did in behind the alter.  We have to keep this a secret or we’ll get in major trouble.”

Guy on right: “I know I know, but it just felt so good!”

Guy on left: “It was exhilarating, wasn’t it? But seriously, keep it on the down low because if people knew we sneaked in early to fill the aspergillum basin with vodka instead of holy water, we’d probably be excommunicated!”

Guy on right: “Oh man, it’d be worth it to see the look on old man Sinclair’s face when he realizes he’s just hosed down the congregation with a bottle of Popov!”

Guy on left: “Yeah yeah, just remember to start throwing olives as he does it, and yell “SHAKEN NOT STIRRED!!” OK?”

The sporting life

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Photographer A: “So for the cable knit shoot, what are the models going to wear underneath?”

Photographer B: “On the guy, just put him in head to toe white. I know it will wash out the sweater, but I feel the look needs to scream CAUCASIAN RICH GUY WITH TOO MUCH TIME ON HIS HANDS.”

Photographer A: “OK… but what about the kid?”

Photographer B: “Lets do the same, but make sure you put him in short shorts. I mean, like REALLY short shorts… like boxer short, short.”

Photographer A: “Umm, won’t it look like we forgot to give him pants…”

Photographer B: “OH! And give them random sporting equipment to hold. It’ll really drive the WE’RE DOUCHEBAGS! theme home.”