Close your eyes and think of Christmas

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You what screams CHRISTMAS to me?
I mean, you know what really brings forth the holiday spirit for me?
What conjures up warm memories of yesterday,
holiday wishes and the mirth of the seasonal festivities for me?

A TEDDY BEAR DRY-HUMPING A GIANT CANDY CANE!
THAT’S WHAT!

To you and yours, be well this holiday season!

MERRY CHRISTMAS, HAPPY HANUKKAH, FESTIVE WHATEVER
AND A JOYOUS THIS TIME OF THE YEAR TO EVERYONE
FROM EVERYONE HERE AT SAD PATTERNS!!

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GOBBLE GOBBLE!!

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You know what screams THANKSGIVING to me?
Random dinner rolls thrown haphazardly on some cheap, blue calico.

I mean, what was the art direction here?
“Just make it look like the aftermath of a food-fight. Oh, and toss in some ratty-looking fake plants while you’re at it. That’ll really drive home the seasonal point!”

And don’t even get me started on Tomi there;  although, I do appreciate the sitting on a nest AND being stuffed into a bread basket options they offer here.

Wait… bread basket…
Maybe… the turkey kicked out the rolls before settling into its new home?

IT ALL MAKES PERFECT SENSE NOW!!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING, KIDS!!

Happy New Year: Party Time!

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Lady in orange: “OK girls, we need to fill out Milly’s dance card before she get’s here. Any suggestions?”

Lady in green: “Ehhh, who cares about that tramp?! She’ll dance with anyone who has a pulse and a bank account!”

Lady in black: “Oh come on Susan, she’s not that bad. She can be nice, well… sometimes.”

Lady in orange: “Yeah Sue, we need to at least appear to be friendly. Now, how about her first slot goes to Travis Wilber?”

Lady in green: “Wait, isn’t he the guy with the slipped disc who can’t make a move without his walker?

Lady in black: “Yeah, and isn’t he the one with the bad body odor that smells like garlic and cat food?”

Lady in orange: “HE CERTAINLY IS! Now, who else can I pair that boyfriend stealing trollop with tonight?!”

HAPPY NEW YEAR, KITTENS!!

All I want for Christmas…

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“You’re kidding me with this stupid horse, right? You said if I wore this god-awful outfit on Christmas morning, Santa would deliver all of the presents I asked for. Well, here I am trying to play off the world’s gayest blouse, and I ain’t seen hide nor hair of a Playstation 4.
Hell, he didn’t even bring me any socks!
I swear, next year when I sit on that fat bastard’s lap, I’m going to wet my pants so bad, his dry-cleaner will burn his soiled britches and cancel his account!!”

MERRY EVERYTHING, YOU LOVABLE BUNCH OF MISFIT TOYS!!!

I gotta go…

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Do all of these pumpkin people have to go the bathroom right now? They look like they’re uncomfortably holding it in while someone gives them a stern lecture on the importance of shoelace length. Seriously, these three aren’t walking anywhere in those raffia nightmares.

BRING ON THE EGG NOG!

Well opossums, it’s that magical time of the year again and here at Sad Patterns, we thought we’d help you prepare the perfect holiday setting by providing you with some glorious, festive decor.

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Imagine having your Christmas goose cooked and eating it next to the blind reindeer of despair. Yes, you too can look sorrow straight in the non-existent eyes and ponder your purpose on this planet all while crying and passing the mashed potatoes across the table. What’s that sound? That’s your soul being sucked away by Roudoulph the Albino Specter.

Not festive enough? Well then, how about some charming Christmas carolers to sing you the songs of yore?

dec2013sDid I say sign? I meant pose in a provocative way that suggests they aren’t going to be doing a whole lot of singing because their mouths will be otherwise… ummm… occupied.

Yes, with just a little paper mache and paint, you too can have these dirty little singers highlight any joyous, yuletide activity.

Well kids, I think that’s all the ho ho ho, I can stand; so, to you and yours, have a fantastic and bad-sewing free holiday.

MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU OLD BUILDING AND LOAN!!