5 Days of Christmas: The End

“On the 1st day of Christmas, my sewing machine gave to me…
A plush toy on the verge of tears!”

(This post originally appeared on July 9, 2014)


 Rudy: the Suicidal Reindeer

I don’t think I have ever seen a more depressed stuffed animal in my entire life. Hell, this guy makes Eeyore look like Little Ms. Sunshine! My God, it’s like someone just told him his entire family was killed in a plane crash.

Joyeux Noël, mes amis!


5 Days of Christmas: Day 2

“On the 2nd day of Christmas, my sewing machine gave to me…
An uncomfortable holiday party…”

(This post originally appeared on August 26, 2011)


Lady A (on left): “So… Nina. I see you have decided to forgo the traditional Christmas theme here and wear your obviously Valentine’s Day apron. Jessie, back there, put A LOT of effort into designing the theme of this party. It’s a shame that someone, like you, would ruin all of her festivities.”

Lady B (on right): “Oh please. Who do you think you’re trying to fool, Patty? I know you’re just sucking up to Jessie because your husband is up for promotion and Bob has the final say. Besides, you’re Jewish. What do you care about Christmas cheer?”

Lady C (in middle): ALL RIGHT BOYS AND GIRLS! Last one to finish their mojito is a rotten egg!

5 Days of Christmas: Day 3

“On the 3rd day of Christmas, my sewing machine gave to me…
A possibly drunk trash panda holding fruit…”

(This post originally appeared on December 4, 2012)


The last time I saw a raccoon with cheeks that pink, it had gotten into a half empty bottle of Jack Daniels that someone left on the back porch. That, or it had just killed something.

5 Days of Christmas: Day 4

“On the 4th day of Christmas, my sewing machine gave to me…
A confusing message in the shape of a tree…”

(This post originally appeared on June 19, 2014)


There needs to be a symbol that is universally recognized as having the potential to adapt to any American holiday. You know what I think it should be? That’s right, a Christmas tree! Nothing says HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY like a stuffed Christmas tree in star-spangled fabric.

You know what would make this symbol even better?

GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!… and Santa Claus!

The 5 Days of Christmas

All this week we’re taking a walk down memory lane as we look back at terrible holiday-themed patterns from the archive, and gear up for the non-stop roller coaster ride that is Christmas.

Strap in, people, we’re riding in a one-horse open sleigh of nonsense with Sad Patterns’


“On the 5th day of Christmas, my sewing machine gave to me…
A lesson on baking cookies…”

(This post originally appeared on December 25, 2012)


Little girl: “Do I roll them out like this Mommy?”

Mother: “That’s right honey. Make sure it’s nice and smooth so the cookies bake evenly. Now, we just pop them in the oven until they are golden brown.”

Little girl: “They look delicious, but did we really need to put in that many boxes of Ex-Lax into the dough?

Mother: “Well Honey, this is a special recipe that we are making for Daddy’s secretary. She and Daddy are spending a lot of time together and I want her to know that if she plans on being his secret friend, there’s going to be a price to pay.”

School’s out, forever



This post originally appeared on June 29, 2013

Well, I know I can certainly feel the hot, passionate excitement oozing from this pattern. Nothing says youthful, scholastic elation like grayscale patchwork and these pictures can barely contain the joy the models are exuding. Normally after a photo shoot, there is some sort of cocktail hour get-together to talk about how exhilarating the event was, but judging by the oh so imaginative color schemes of those vests, I’m sure this group of intrepid youngsters went straight home for a tall glass of prune juice and a hard nap.




This post originally appeared on January 31, 2012


Guy 1: “Hey everybody! Who wants to bite my wiener?!?”

Lady 3: “Jesus Christ Mark! You use that same damn joke every time we have a freaking barbecue. For the last time, no one thinks you’re hot! Now get your ass back to the BBQ pit before I flame broil your head!”

Guy2: “So you see Sadie, my wife and I have an understanding… have you ever heard of ‘swinging’? I think we can have a lot of fun together…”

Lady 4: “The answer is and always will be ‘NO’ Travis, so unless you want to pull back a bloody stump, I suggest you get your hand off of my shoulder right-the-Hell now!”