Thank You

I know I’ve said it before, but I really want to thank all of you for your support.

We here at Sad patterns know that you have a choice in sites that feature terrible sewing patterns and we would like you to know that we appreciate you choosing Sad Patterns Airways as your go-to crappy sewing pattern carrier.

We’ll be landing at our destination soon, so if you could put those tray-backs in their upright positions, that’d be great.

Huh?

Seriously, thanks.

Having said that, there is something else I’m terribly grateful for and that is all of the terrible, awful, no-good, very bad sewing pattern-makers out in the world. This site is nothing without you guys and it is with a giant, hearty serving of glee when I say,

KEEP UP THE BAD WORK!!

nov2013sOh Faye Wine, you’ve done it again! Just when I thought your plush creations couldn’t get any creepier, you prove to me that you are capable of out-doing even yourself!

Just imagine a wonderful, Thanksgiving meal with friends and family, and those little pilgrims on the bottom staring at you all throughout your dinner.

Just staring… with those cold, blank expressions.

Their Fiber-filled heads longing to taste the hot, nourishing food you are currently shoveling into your mouth at a break-neck speed.

Just staring…

You know, their eyes never close.

So when you think you are safe and warm in your bed and drifting off into dreamland, they will still be watching you, ever vigilant, and remembering how you never offered them food.

Wait. What was that noise in the night? Sounded like a knife being dragged across the kitchen counter… or maybe it was the wind. Yeah that’s it. The wind…

HAPPY THANKSGIVING OPOSSUMS!!!

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Cover your mouth!

SAD PATTERNS PRESENTS:

A TRIP DOWN THANKSGIVING MEMORY LANE!

This post originally appeared on November 21, 2012

I have a few questions for this pattern:

A – Why do they all have their hands up to their mouths? Are they all about to cough?

B – Why does that one guy on the left have an onion for a head?

C – Who pissed off the turkey?

I’ll cut ya!

SAD PATTERNS PRESENTS:

A TRIP DOWN THANKSGIVING MEMORY LANE!

This post originally appeared on May 24, 2012

I had no idea that the Santa from South Park had his own sewing pattern!

Actually, whenever I see this pattern, I like to pretend that the turkeys and Santa are on opposite sides of the table and the utensils are weapons. It started out peacefully, but after a snide remark from the turkeys about Rudolph’s nose, an all-out turf war was waged to determine the king of the holiday table!

Well, thanks for nothing!

In an effort to relive the nostalgia of Thanksgivings past, from now until the 28th, Sad Patterns will be looking back at Thanksgiving themed posts from the archives. This bumpy trip down memory lane will culminate in a new post for Thanksgiving day! 

In all fairness, the new post will just just add to the nostalgia fodder making this week one more moving part in the viscous cycle that is remembering the past.

So, pass the yams people, it’s time to give thanks!

This post originally appeared on November 24, 2011.

“…And then children, the brave pilgrims set off across the vast ocean to colonize America. When they arrived on the rocky shores, they presented the natives with crocheted pants, dresses and matching headbands, all stitched in boring earth tones. The catatonic, twin squirrels just stood there in awe as the baby’s breath rapidly grew in around them. Then they all sat down to a turkey dinner, lovingly prepared by the matriarch of the family. The turkey was dry, but no one complained, because they all knew if someone made a snide comment about Ma’s bird, they would get slapped.”

HAPPY THANKSGIVING KIDS!

Pump up the volume!

SPECIAL ALERT… NEWS BULLETIN… WEDNESDAY BONUS:

My friend Cheryl sent me this picture.

The only caption I saw for this photo was “hostess pajamas”

I can’t even…

THIS HAS BEEN A SPECIAL ALERT… NEWS BULLETIN… WEDNESDAY BONUS. WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED INTERNET.

Happy Birthday Sis!

Normally I don’t do Sunday posts, but today is my sister’s birthday and I felt like doing something nice for her.

I though it would be cute to post her top five favorite Sad patterns, but she actually picked like twenty of them, so I have chosen the best of the best and present them here on her behalf.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY YVONNE.

Rest assured that as you get older, I will always be younger than you – by three whole years! Isn’t that great!!!

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

My sister can never remember Darth Vader’s name, but it doesn’t matter; this pattern cracks her up every time. Neither of us were big Star Wars fans growing up. I think we fell asleep during Empire at the movie theater. Well, at least I did…

I’m not sure if this is an officially licensed pattern, but if it is, George Lucas needs to get his money back.

I think the patternmakers were going for Chewbacca, but got Bingo from the Banana Splits instead.

The Princess Leia costume is serviceable; actually, this is probably one of the few times the cinnamon buns work on someone.

I think that smallish, kimono-wearing lump is supposed to be Yoda, but it looks more like a six-year-old’s drawing of the Statue of Liberty.

The ones I really don’t get are the Darth Vader and Mini-me costumes. Look at big Darth’s eyes. Either he needs to lay off the caffeine or he is right in the middle of getting an old fashioned prostate exam.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

In hindsight, I might have been a bit rough on this pattern. It is terrible, but clearly I was in a mood.

The holidays drive me crazy (obviously), but for some unknown reason, my sister loves hosting all of the major dinners. I have no idea why she does it, but it always turns out great and I get to hide out from my family in the kitchen afterwards doing dishes.

WIN WIN!!

My God, who smoked crack then though up this turd in the punch bowl? I’m thinking that this one was geared towards the family that takes goofy Christmas pictures every year and then individually signs 100 Christmas letters detailing how amazing their lives are.

“Well, Little Suzie graduated top of her class… Little Billy made All-Star in Baseball, Basketball and Hockey AGAIN!… Mike got another promotion then celebrated by taking the entire family and some friends, first class, to Aruba for 10 days… aren’t we lucky?!”

No. You’re a bitch for rubbing it in our faces and I don’t feel bad for getting you a five dollar bowl I found at the BOTTOM OF THE CLEARANCE SHELF AT MARSHALL’S!

Also, check out “sad Frosty”. Geez, lighten up kid. At least you don’t have to wear a scratchy Christmas tree dress that makes you like you are covering up an unwanted pregnancy.

I’D LIKE TO SEE THAT LINE IN A CHRISTMAS LETTER!

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

This one is actually a private joke. My sister and I used to work together and there is a church over by the office that put out a ton of small signs that read “Come Join the Harvest” for their monthly congregation drive one day. For some reason this saying struck us as terribly funny and we forever repeated the line in a spooky “you’re being lead to your doom” voice. To date, whenever one of us says the word ‘harvest’, we giggle.

Going from the left to the right, it looks like this is the evolution of becoming Annie.

The more you become like Annie, the more your soul evaporates and your eyes become cold and distant.

Look at the girl on the right.

You can almost hear her beckon you in a soft, ominous voice… “come be one of us”… “join the harvest”…

She even has her own adorable Hell hound.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

My sister LOVES this one; actually, I think everyone does. It’s been featured on here like 50 times, but frankly, it never gets old.

“No Johnny, it’s perfectly acceptable to wear a white sheet with a matching hood for Halloween. Besides it’s a time saver QUICKIE, that’s how I was able to make all your friends matching ones. Won’t you all look amazing marching down the street together when you go to your friend Jamal’s Halloween party?!”

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

I think this one speaks for itself.

Let’s hope this is a book of instructions for making a bra.

Hey lady, Freddie from Scooby Doo called. He wants his ascot back.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Well, I hope you’ve enjoyed this little romp down memory lane.

Tune in tomorrow for an all new, all terrible Sad Pattern!

Under Protest, Sir…

OK, so today Sad Patterns is taking a little break in protest of the whole SOPA thing. Frankly, Mexican style soup has never really bothered me all that much, but when in Rome…

There was an applet to black out the blog, but that would have required me to actually think and install something, so I will just not be posting a pattern until tomorrow.

I know… you’ll muddle through some how.

G