“Basic” craft supplies…
Like people just have hundreds of yard of tissue lamé ribbon hanging around the house.
Also, if you are one of the fortunate people to NOT remember the late 80’s/early 90’s trend of everyone on the planet wanting to make hair bows and accessories:
A – You’re one of the lucky ones. Count your blessings and move forward.
B – This book of instructions is but the tip of the terrible crafting iceberg.
C – Yes, yours truly made his fair share of awful, AWFUL hair accessories.
Hair bows, man… why did it have to be hair bows?
Oh hey, you accidentally misspelled “coat.”
Here, let me fix it for you:
Gottadu GIANT SLAB O’FABRIC THAT WILL NEVER FLATTER ANYONE’S SHAPE.
There ya go. No charge.
There are a few things on my “OMG Why Doesn’t This Pattern Exist?!” list that I never thought would see the light of day.
“Cowgirl pig in clogging skirt and boots” wasn’t on that list… UNTIL NOW!!
I mean, if you weren’t sold on the star eyes and ribbon trim, surely the bright red collagen injects lips would grab ya?!
Now, I don’t know who runs the San Francisco Pattern Company, but dammit, I wanna shake his or her hand for a job well done!
I always wondered if Orville Redenbacher had a daughter.
You know that jumpsuits need? BAGGY WAISTLINES!
Because when it comes to flattering shapes, nothing says I LOOK GOOD, like a belted, rayon clown costume that catches the wind when you walk down the street.
Things were heating up in the day care kitchen…
Lady on right: “Quit your crying; you’ll ruin your makeup.”
Lady on left, quietly sobbing: “It… it still hurts, Sally. I mean… if I’d have know you were going to… I.. I would never have said anything…”
Lady on right: “Let this be a lesson, Peg. If you correct me in front of the principal again, a slap across the cheek will be the least of your problems. Now, clean yourself up and get ready to serve the cupcakes. Those precious angels from the preschool class have been waiting long enough for their treats, AND SO HELP ME PEG, if you drop even one little sprinkle, I’ll give you plenty of reasons to cry!”
Guy on right: “Oh man, I feel so alive right now! I’m so glad we finally did it!”
Guy on left: “Now Steve, no one can learn of what we did in behind the alter. We have to keep this a secret or we’ll get in major trouble.”
Guy on right: “I know I know, but it just felt so good!”
Guy on left: “It was exhilarating, wasn’t it? But seriously, keep it on the down low because if people knew we sneaked in early to fill the aspergillum basin with vodka instead of holy water, we’d probably be excommunicated!”
Guy on right: “Oh man, it’d be worth it to see the look on old man Sinclair’s face when he realizes he’s just hosed down the congregation with a bottle of Popov!”
Guy on left: “Yeah yeah, just remember to start throwing olives as he does it, and yell “SHAKEN NOT STIRRED!!” OK?”