In loving memory

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Everyone thought giving out flowers at Aunt Ellen’s funeral
was a touching display of affection.
What they didn’t understand is why Cousin Mary showed up to the service in
nothing but her underwear.

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Bear-ly alive

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So, you made a bear that just holds down a pocket full of your crap and stares at you while you try to balance your moonshine-filled mason jar mug on its stuffed belly? Honestly, subjecting an innocent plush doll to your drunken orgies of channel surfing and book reading is just cruel. I bet you smile at it while you stuff handfuls of Cheetos in your mouth and casually wipe your day-glow orange fingers on it sad, lifeless ears.

YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!

That sinking feeling

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Billy didn’t care that the other guys at the marina made fun of him for wearing his
hand-knitted sweater vest.
He was proud of his workmanship, and nothing they said to him could take that away.

Besides, he rested well knowing that the small holes he drilled in the bottoms of their boats would soon reap the revenge that was due to him.