New Years Eve: Planning The BIG night

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Guy in blue and white shirt: “So, are ‘ya goin’ to Steve and Johnny’s New Year’s Eve party or not?”

Guy B: “Gosh, I don’t know. Last year they made us all go skinny dipping in his pool at midnight. Man, I caught a cold from that and was sick for a week. Besides, I’m kinda shy about stuff like that…”

Guy A: ” Oh come on, ‘ya big baby! From what I saw when you dropped your drawers, you ain’t got nothing to be shy about!”

Guy B, blushing: “I mean… gosh guys… I dunno…”

Guy in blue and white shirt: “Oh that’s right! Everyone was staring at you! Hell man, you were the center of attention! I almost forgot that’s why we started calling you BIG MIKE!”

Guy A:  “I mean, damn son! If that’s what we call you when it’s freezing cold, I can’t imagine the nickname you’ll get at the naked weenie roast they have planned for this year’s party!!”

 

5 Days of Christmas: The End

“On the 1st day of Christmas, my sewing machine gave to me…
A plush toy on the verge of tears!”

(This post originally appeared on July 9, 2014)

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 Rudy: the Suicidal Reindeer

I don’t think I have ever seen a more depressed stuffed animal in my entire life. Hell, this guy makes Eeyore look like Little Ms. Sunshine! My God, it’s like someone just told him his entire family was killed in a plane crash.

Joyeux Noël, mes amis!

5 Days of Christmas: Day 2

“On the 2nd day of Christmas, my sewing machine gave to me…
An uncomfortable holiday party…”

(This post originally appeared on August 26, 2011)

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Lady A (on left): “So… Nina. I see you have decided to forgo the traditional Christmas theme here and wear your obviously Valentine’s Day apron. Jessie, back there, put A LOT of effort into designing the theme of this party. It’s a shame that someone, like you, would ruin all of her festivities.”

Lady B (on right): “Oh please. Who do you think you’re trying to fool, Patty? I know you’re just sucking up to Jessie because your husband is up for promotion and Bob has the final say. Besides, you’re Jewish. What do you care about Christmas cheer?”

Lady C (in middle): ALL RIGHT BOYS AND GIRLS! Last one to finish their mojito is a rotten egg!

5 Days of Christmas: Day 3

“On the 3rd day of Christmas, my sewing machine gave to me…
A possibly drunk trash panda holding fruit…”

(This post originally appeared on December 4, 2012)

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The last time I saw a raccoon with cheeks that pink, it had gotten into a half empty bottle of Jack Daniels that someone left on the back porch. That, or it had just killed something.