Sorry about the lack of posts. I am currently knee-deep in quilts, and can’t tread water fast enough. I’ll be back on Monday with a whole new crop of patterns. In the meantime, here are my friends Janet and Laurie modeling the latest in questionable couture.



Hillbilly Hell


Yes, give the kids hours of fun playing with stereotypical mountain people from the Ozark backwoods. Imagine their delight when they spend the afternoon picking hand embroidered nits out of Paw’s beard.

Dodge this ram


OK, I’m not saying I ordered this pattern, but I did. How could I not? What self-respecting pattern critic would pass up such a glorious example of sewing nonsense?
Certainly not me!

I can just imagine the pattern maker staring at a blank drafting table thinking, “Now what can I introduce into the world that absolutely no one needs to make? I’VE GOT IT! A stuffed ram’s head mounted to the wall. But, what do I name it… ram…hmmm… ram… RAMESES! THAT’S IT! Sure, Egyptian pharaohs like rams. EVERYBODY LIKES RAMS!! Fire up the printing presses! This puppy’s going into mass production!!!”


On the cape


The only issue I have with this pattern is that it’s not available in my size.
Seriously, look at the bat cape. LOOK AT IT!!
I don’t want this pattern for Halloween; I want it to wear to the grocery store.
Damn your preconceived notions of what a grown man should wear to purchase frozen vegetables, I WANT FOX EARS!!

Family ties


In an effort to shut her parents up about settling down and starting a family, Molly asked her gay friend, Rob, to pose as her boyfriend at her family reunion.

They almost got away with it, but after turning on the karaoke machine and downing a few too many cocktails, Rob was shirtless on the picnic table belting out, “I Am What I Am” and dedicating his next performance to Molly’s “hot brother with the nice ass.”

Butt wait, there’s more!


Lady on right: “So, what do you think?”

Lady on left: “Well, I wouldn’t say you got junk in the trunk; it’s more like, you got flattened in the back-end.”

Lady on right: “Dammit! I’ve been doing squats for a month solid. That’s it! I’m getting cheek implants.”

Lady on left: “Really? How big are you going?”

Lady on right: “I was thinking PAPER cover Kim K., but right now, I’d settle for anything close to 90’s J. Lo.”