Sorry

Sorry about the lack of posts. I am currently knee-deep in quilts, and can’t tread water fast enough. I’ll be back on Monday with a whole new crop of patterns. In the meantime, here are my friends Janet and Laurie modeling the latest in questionable couture.

  

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Dodge this ram

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OMG YOU GUYS LOOK WHAT CAME IN THE MAIL!!!
OK, I’m not saying I ordered this pattern, but I did. How could I not? What self-respecting pattern critic would pass up such a glorious example of sewing nonsense?
Certainly not me!

I can just imagine the pattern maker staring at a blank drafting table thinking, “Now what can I introduce into the world that absolutely no one needs to make? I’VE GOT IT! A stuffed ram’s head mounted to the wall. But, what do I name it… ram…hmmm… ram… RAMESES! THAT’S IT! Sure, Egyptian pharaohs like rams. EVERYBODY LIKES RAMS!! Fire up the printing presses! This puppy’s going into mass production!!!”

 

On the cape

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The only issue I have with this pattern is that it’s not available in my size.
Seriously, look at the bat cape. LOOK AT IT!!
I don’t want this pattern for Halloween; I want it to wear to the grocery store.
Damn your preconceived notions of what a grown man should wear to purchase frozen vegetables, I WANT FOX EARS!!

Family ties

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In an effort to shut her parents up about settling down and starting a family, Molly asked her gay friend, Rob, to pose as her boyfriend at her family reunion.

They almost got away with it, but after turning on the karaoke machine and downing a few too many cocktails, Rob was shirtless on the picnic table belting out, “I Am What I Am” and dedicating his next performance to Molly’s “hot brother with the nice ass.”

Butt wait, there’s more!

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Lady on right: “So, what do you think?”

Lady on left: “Well, I wouldn’t say you got junk in the trunk; it’s more like, you got flattened in the back-end.”

Lady on right: “Dammit! I’ve been doing squats for a month solid. That’s it! I’m getting cheek implants.”

Lady on left: “Really? How big are you going?”

Lady on right: “I was thinking PAPER cover Kim K., but right now, I’d settle for anything close to 90’s J. Lo.”