Down under


Australian Critters?
I think you mean “Continent-specific animals that are more than likely thinking of ways to end your life.” Because everything in ‘Straya with four legs and/or feathers is either trying to kill you or currently reveling in your demise.

Also, no red-back spider; no sale!

One for you, two for me


Girl 1, quietly: “I can’t believe she’s acting like this. Those sandwiches are for everyone to eat.”

Girl 3, quietly: “Just ignore her. She’s a friendless idiot who never learned to share.”

Girl 2, yelling: “Hate all you want, bitches! When you’re slow to the buffet table, you starve! Wait ’til you see my sprint when they bust open the desserts!!”




This post originally appeared on January 31, 2012


Guy 1: “Hey everybody! Who wants to bite my wiener?!?”

Lady 3: “Jesus Christ Mark! You use that same damn joke every time we have a freaking barbecue. For the last time, no one thinks you’re hot! Now get your ass back to the BBQ pit before I flame broil your head!”

Guy2: “So you see Sadie, my wife and I have an understanding… have you ever heard of ‘swinging’? I think we can have a lot of fun together…”

Lady 4: “The answer is and always will be ‘NO’ Travis, so unless you want to pull back a bloody stump, I suggest you get your hand off of my shoulder right-the-Hell now!”