Down under

aug2015p

Australian Critters?
I think you mean “Continent-specific animals that are more than likely thinking of ways to end your life.” Because everything in ‘Straya with four legs and/or feathers is either trying to kill you or currently reveling in your demise.

Also, no red-back spider; no sale!

One for you, two for me

aug2015n

Girl 1, quietly: “I can’t believe she’s acting like this. Those sandwiches are for everyone to eat.”

Girl 3, quietly: “Just ignore her. She’s a friendless idiot who never learned to share.”

Girl 2, yelling: “Hate all you want, bitches! When you’re slow to the buffet table, you starve! Wait ’til you see my sprint when they bust open the desserts!!”

BBQ 4 U

SAD PATTERNS PRESENTS:

FLASHBACK FRIDAYS!!!

This post originally appeared on January 31, 2012

il_fullxfull-182854503

Guy 1: “Hey everybody! Who wants to bite my wiener?!?”

Lady 3: “Jesus Christ Mark! You use that same damn joke every time we have a freaking barbecue. For the last time, no one thinks you’re hot! Now get your ass back to the BBQ pit before I flame broil your head!”

Guy2: “So you see Sadie, my wife and I have an understanding… have you ever heard of ‘swinging’? I think we can have a lot of fun together…”

Lady 4: “The answer is and always will be ‘NO’ Travis, so unless you want to pull back a bloody stump, I suggest you get your hand off of my shoulder right-the-Hell now!”