Let’s face it…

aug2015s

OMG, look at their faces!
Their expressions are less, “Loving Family,” and more, “I wonder what the dog would taste like with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.”

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Bulking up

aug2015r

Damn Barbie! You been riding the Tour de France? What’s with them thighs?
I mean, I get that you’re depressed because you have to teach class in the world’s most boring school room, but you might want to ease up on the weight training, sweetie.

Down under

aug2015p

Australian Critters?
I think you mean “Continent-specific animals that are more than likely thinking of ways to end your life.” Because everything in ‘Straya with four legs and/or feathers is either trying to kill you or currently reveling in your demise.

Also, no red-back spider; no sale!

One for you, two for me

aug2015n

Girl 1, quietly: “I can’t believe she’s acting like this. Those sandwiches are for everyone to eat.”

Girl 3, quietly: “Just ignore her. She’s a friendless idiot who never learned to share.”

Girl 2, yelling: “Hate all you want, bitches! When you’re slow to the buffet table, you starve! Wait ’til you see my sprint when they bust open the desserts!!”

BBQ 4 U

SAD PATTERNS PRESENTS:

FLASHBACK FRIDAYS!!!

This post originally appeared on January 31, 2012

il_fullxfull-182854503

Guy 1: “Hey everybody! Who wants to bite my wiener?!?”

Lady 3: “Jesus Christ Mark! You use that same damn joke every time we have a freaking barbecue. For the last time, no one thinks you’re hot! Now get your ass back to the BBQ pit before I flame broil your head!”

Guy2: “So you see Sadie, my wife and I have an understanding… have you ever heard of ‘swinging’? I think we can have a lot of fun together…”

Lady 4: “The answer is and always will be ‘NO’ Travis, so unless you want to pull back a bloody stump, I suggest you get your hand off of my shoulder right-the-Hell now!”