Dear Linda Blair…

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GAH! That child’s head!! Is it going to spin completely around?
Who the Hell drew this thing and didn’t think it looked like she was being possessed?

You can almost hear her whispering, “I can see into your soul…”

Wait. This kid reminds me of something…

NAILED IT!

Five-finger discount

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Lady on left, talking quietly: “Just act cool… I can see the security guard in my compact mirror. I don’t think he suspects anything.”

Lady on right, talking quietly: “Oh my God, Sally! I can’t believe I’m doing this! I’ve never stolen anything in my life. I’m so ashamed!”

Lady on left, talking quietly: “What’s the big deal, Ethyl? It’s not like this place is going to miss one little scarf. Besides, you’ll look super cute wearing it on your date tonight with Roger.”

Lady on right, talking quietly: “Well, duh! I didn’t say I wouldn’t look good wearing it, I just don’t have time to go to jail! Roger is picking me up at 7 and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna let the fuzz keep me from my stud.”

Dance-off

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In the royal court, the gauntlet and the cardboard boxes were thrown down…

IV: “Stand back, bitches! Let your royal highness show you the meaning of mad skills!”

I: “But Sire, surely you don’t aim to break dance for the amusement of the court? That is beneath you and most unbecoming of a king.”

II: “Your highness, with the greatest of dignity and the utmost of respect, I say you must serve those dissing chumps like fries with a Happy Meal!”

III: “LAWD CHILD! Tubby gonna bust a move! I can’t watch!!”

 

The slumber party

SAD PATTERNS PRESENTS:

FLASHBACK FRIDAYS!!!

This post originally appeared on May 22, 2013 

Suzie was its best advertisement…

Lady on left: “Wait. It has five speeds AND various attachments?!”

Lady on right: “Uh huh. It also comes in 4 different colors and has an optional AC adapter,  but you’ll never need to use that. I’m not kidding when I say the batteries lasted for three solid hours without needing replacing.”

Lady in middle: “Dang girl! Three hours? Ain’t nobody got time for that!”

Lady on right: “Trust me sweetie. Once you get one, you’ll MAKE time for it!”

Let me slip into something a little brighter

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With the vivid hues, the over-processed hair and the glittered platform stripper shoes, this is looking less like a prom dress and more like a color blind drag queen’s entry into an evening wear competition.

And for some reason, the Chiquita Banana theme song is playing in my head right now. Maybe this frock is channeling Carmen Miranda… FOR ALL THE WRONG REASONS!!