The big heist



This post originally appeared on November 23, 2012

Girl on left, through gritted teeth, whispering: “Do you think the security guard saw me slip that bra and pantie set into my bag?”

Girl on right, through gritted teeth, whispering: “No clue Doris. Just keep smiling and acting natural”


Gobble, Grumble…


Little girl, through gritted teeth: “Geez mom, how many more of these stupid pioneer/pilgrim pictures do we have to pose for? Thanksgiving dinner is getting cold!”

Mom, through gritted teeth: “As many as Great Aunt Edna wants us too, sweetie.”

Little girl, through gritted teeth: “I still have no idea why we do this for her. You don’t even like her.”

Mom, through gritted teeth: “I can’t stand the old bag, but she ain’t got much longer on this Earth and if we play our cards right, she’ll leave us some serious bank when she kicks it.”

Little girl, through gritted teeth: “We’re doing all this for a chance at a little money?!”

Mom, through gritted teeth: “Mommy wants a new sports car; now, shut up, smile and think Puritan thoughts.”


When crafts go bad


“Can you please make me an albino stick clown wearing a muumuu.”
– asked no one ever.

Hilarie, sweetie, I don’t know what kind of hardcore peyote you smoked before drafting this book, but you might want to consider laying off of it for a while because the fevered dreams that produced this stuff HAVE got to be a danger to your health.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.


Guy: “Your hair smells good. It’s like honeysuckle and clov….. HEY! That’s MY Herbal Essence, isn’t it?!!?”

Lady: “Oh calm down, Mike. I was out of my shampoo and used a drop of yours. What’s the big deal?”

Guy: “Why you conniving little thief! You know my hair has to be maintained with a delicate balance of bounce AND body, and Herbal Essence is the only solution that works!! Hell, half the reason I do these stupid photo shoots is to pay for the gallons of product I have to use to keep up my masculine appearance!!!.”

Lady: “Oh my God, you are such a little baby. I guess now is a bad time to tell you I used some conditioner too, huh?”

Guy: “You biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch.”

I’m so glad we had this time together…


What was the brief for this photo shoot?

“So, today we’re shooting a house coat that the designers insist on making sexy. I need the hair and make-up to read, ‘dinner at eight,’ but the dress itself needs to look like one of Carol Burnett’s rejected costumes from her Cleaning Lady routine.”

Orange you glad?



This post originally appeared on November 17, 2011

“Look dumbass, do you want the freaking tangerines or not? I didn’t spend all morning picking these damn things just so you can change your mind about having freshly squeezed orange juice with your breakfast. Geez, mother was right. I should have married Barry Jacobs. He’s a dentist you know. Even if he was bad in bed, I’d at least get free teeth cleanings.”



Damn this thing is dumpy, but it does remind me of a story from when I was in the 5th grade:

I hated my 5th grade teacher. She was not very vice and frankly, not very good at her job.

One day she comes in wearing stove-pipe trousers, made of gray banker’s stripe fabric, like the dress on the left.

Not really understanding textiles or design, I raise my hand and asked her, in front of the whole class, “Are those your husband’s pants?”

She curtly said, “NO, THEY ARE NOT!” and continued the lesson.
I still have scars from the daggers her eyes shot me.

Totally worth it though because she never wore the pants to class again.

Good times…