She’s tier-ing up


She looks so happy and pleasant; it’s gonna break her heart when I tell her how hideous that skirt is. Honestly, it looks like something Ellie May Clampett would wear to the homecoming dance.


Setting the table


This pattern exists for all of you wondering what to do with Aunt Edna’s old, Easter tablecloth.

It would probably make more sense to leave it on the table, but who are we kidding? You know you want to wear that puppy to the grocery store!

There’s always room for bargello!



This post originally appeared on January 29, 2013

Lady on left: “I don’t understand how I let you talk me into posing for one of your stupid pattern pictures. My God this shirt is ugly. I still can’t believe you made these things.”

Lady on right: “Hey! What are you complaining about? You’re getting paid for this photo shoot.”

Lady on left: “Yeah right! What’s a few dollars compared to years of humiliation being known as the ‘Bargello Shirt’ lady?”

Lady on right: “Oh well, if you want to talk about humiliation, we should probably start with your hair.”

Lady on left: “I hate you so much right now.”

Good night?


What’s the point of making any of the bedding?

With all those busy fabric patterns and brightly colored accessories stuffed in every possible nook and cranny, no child on the planet would be able to get a wink of sleep in that room! Hell, this place probably glows in the dark when the sun goes down!

Not so merry-go-round


This has got to be the most depressing carousel in the world.

Aren’t these things usually done in bright, fun colors? The last thing I think of when I see a round-about is a soft, neutral palette of beige and brown.

Also, why the quotes around the word carousel? You’re not implying anything, this IS a carousel quilt. And don’t the poles usually go all the way to the top?

I’m beginning to think that Leona Price has never ridden a carousel in her life. Actually, I’m beginning to think Leona Price has never sen a carousel! She just looked up the word in the dictionary and said, “Yeah, that’ll make a good pattern. To Hell with what they actually look like!”

Timeless trauma

As this week marks the kick-off for the 2014 quilt fest season, for me at least, I thought I’d devote all the Sad Patterns this week to quilting.


If by “wearable”, you mean boxy and unflattering, then yes, these are VERY wearable.

I guess the Asian-looking things are marginally passable, but what the Hell is that green square in the background? It’s like someone looked at the breakfast placemats and said, “OMG I have to wear these!!”

Now, I’m not saying you can’t wear placemats, but at the very least, you should try to fit them to your body… well, that or just carry a box of Lucky Charms as your handbag.