Pay attention


Guy in brown vest: “Dammit Carl, are you even listening to me!? It’s like you’re not even interested in what I have to say!”

Guy in red gingham shirt: “Dude, the only thing I’m interested in right now is that hot, blonde guy’s fine, fine ass.”







This post originally appeared on April 25, 2012

Hey! Guy in the upper-left!

I think I found your soul mate; she’s totally into football and everything!

Send in the clowns?

mar2014sYou know what I want to stitch in tiny little x’s for the better half of the year?

That’s right, a half-suicidal circus clown in need of a shave, wearing rags.

When I’m done, I can hang it right next to my Sylvia Plath Bell Jar sampler.


Bigger is better


Somewhere in the Simplicity pattern drafting studio…

Pattern maker #1: “Sir, I finished the dinner suit pattern and calculated the yardages. I’ll call the sample maker to make sure she has enough pink satin.”

Supervisor: “Hold up there, Quickdraw! This basic jacket isn’t finished yet. I think we need to make the shoulder line wider and the sleeve looks much too simple. Try fulling it out at the armhole.”

Pattern maker #1: “But, if I do that, it won’t be terribly flattering and they’ll have to use massive shoulder pads that will probably make her look like a linebacker.”

Supervisor: “Look here, Sport! I didn’t get to this position by giving the customers flattering designs that work in the real world. Where do you think you work? Vogue? Now, blow those sleeve heads up and get this to production STAT!”


The Slumber Party


Lady on left: “Look, I know Suzy wanted an old fashioned sleep over for her bachelorette party, but I thought it was going to be a bit classier than this.”

Lady on right: “Oh my God, why would she wear a sheer negligee and a thong to a pajama party? I mean, who does that?”

Lady on left: “I’m all for naughty lingerie, but if I can count the stretch marks from across the room, it’s time to put on a robe.”

All aboard!

mar2014pYou know, I just wasn’t convinced that this dress was something one wore on vacation until I saw that hideous cruise ship print. Let’s face it, we all wait to wear the ugliest things we own until we are surrounded by strangers in a foreign land.

Step off the cruise boat in a smartly casual outfit that flatters your figure? HELL NO! Let me get out my tacky travel print tubetop so I can flop around on the deck, please!



This post originally appeared on September 19, 2012

Guy A: “Come on dude! Let me have a look! Quit hogging the binoculars!”

Buy B: “No way sister! You didn’t think bringing them to the beach was a good idea to begin with; besides, I saw him first and there is no way I’m letting you get your grubby paws on him!”

Guy A: “You bastard! All the times we’ve been coming to the beach together and you’ve never once told me about finding the perfect view of the lifeguard’s locker room!?!”

Guy B: “It’s your own fault; you never want to explore the coastline. Any way, tha….awwww… he has the cutest little birthmark on the right cheek…”