The bunny suicides

SAD PATTERNS PRESENTS:

PASSION FOR PATCHWORK!!

nov2013rSo, the one, carrot-munching bunny is sitting in his chair while the other bunnies line up to kill themselves by jumping off the top of the quilt…

THANKS BUNNYTALES!

Clearly, your pattern was drafted with the spilled Fiber-fil blood of a million plush wabbits! Right now, there is some little kid out there, crying her eyes out because Bugs up there just couldn’t take it any more.

I HOPE YOU’RE PROUD OF YOURSELVES!!

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We’re just friends…

SAD PATTERNS PRESENTS:

FLASHBACK FRIDAYS!

This post originally appeared on May 27, 2011

5_27_2011b

Guy on left: “You see Ted, this neighborhood will be good for our little family. As long as we keep a low profile and act like everyone else, everything will be fine”

Guy on Right: “I know Mike. I just worry that the neighbors won’t accept our lifestyle.”

Little boy on left: “Why don’t we have a mommy?”

Little boy on right: “Just shut up and straighten your turtleneck”

Thank You

I know I’ve said it before, but I really want to thank all of you for your support.

We here at Sad patterns know that you have a choice in sites that feature terrible sewing patterns and we would like you to know that we appreciate you choosing Sad Patterns Airways as your go-to crappy sewing pattern carrier.

We’ll be landing at our destination soon, so if you could put those tray-backs in their upright positions, that’d be great.

Huh?

Seriously, thanks.

Having said that, there is something else I’m terribly grateful for and that is all of the terrible, awful, no-good, very bad sewing pattern-makers out in the world. This site is nothing without you guys and it is with a giant, hearty serving of glee when I say,

KEEP UP THE BAD WORK!!

nov2013sOh Faye Wine, you’ve done it again! Just when I thought your plush creations couldn’t get any creepier, you prove to me that you are capable of out-doing even yourself!

Just imagine a wonderful, Thanksgiving meal with friends and family, and those little pilgrims on the bottom staring at you all throughout your dinner.

Just staring… with those cold, blank expressions.

Their Fiber-filled heads longing to taste the hot, nourishing food you are currently shoveling into your mouth at a break-neck speed.

Just staring…

You know, their eyes never close.

So when you think you are safe and warm in your bed and drifting off into dreamland, they will still be watching you, ever vigilant, and remembering how you never offered them food.

Wait. What was that noise in the night? Sounded like a knife being dragged across the kitchen counter… or maybe it was the wind. Yeah that’s it. The wind…

HAPPY THANKSGIVING OPOSSUMS!!!

Cover your mouth!

SAD PATTERNS PRESENTS:

A TRIP DOWN THANKSGIVING MEMORY LANE!

This post originally appeared on November 21, 2012

I have a few questions for this pattern:

A – Why do they all have their hands up to their mouths? Are they all about to cough?

B – Why does that one guy on the left have an onion for a head?

C – Who pissed off the turkey?

I’ll cut ya!

SAD PATTERNS PRESENTS:

A TRIP DOWN THANKSGIVING MEMORY LANE!

This post originally appeared on May 24, 2012

I had no idea that the Santa from South Park had his own sewing pattern!

Actually, whenever I see this pattern, I like to pretend that the turkeys and Santa are on opposite sides of the table and the utensils are weapons. It started out peacefully, but after a snide remark from the turkeys about Rudolph’s nose, an all-out turf war was waged to determine the king of the holiday table!

Well, thanks for nothing!

In an effort to relive the nostalgia of Thanksgivings past, from now until the 28th, Sad Patterns will be looking back at Thanksgiving themed posts from the archives. This bumpy trip down memory lane will culminate in a new post for Thanksgiving day! 

In all fairness, the new post will just just add to the nostalgia fodder making this week one more moving part in the viscous cycle that is remembering the past.

So, pass the yams people, it’s time to give thanks!

This post originally appeared on November 24, 2011.

“…And then children, the brave pilgrims set off across the vast ocean to colonize America. When they arrived on the rocky shores, they presented the natives with crocheted pants, dresses and matching headbands, all stitched in boring earth tones. The catatonic, twin squirrels just stood there in awe as the baby’s breath rapidly grew in around them. Then they all sat down to a turkey dinner, lovingly prepared by the matriarch of the family. The turkey was dry, but no one complained, because they all knew if someone made a snide comment about Ma’s bird, they would get slapped.”

HAPPY THANKSGIVING KIDS!

We don’t need no stinking patches!

SAD PATTERNS PRESENTS:

PASSION FOR PATCHWORK!!

nov2013qPatches of joy now and years of “what the Hell possessed me to wear that,” depression afterwards.

I get the idea of a patchworked skirt, but I’m not sure you really need to wear it to the office with a sensible shoe. It says more “bunny slippers and hair have done in curlers” to me.