Well opossums, it’s once again Halloween.
That magical time of the year when the night gets spooky, the winds howl and ghosts and goblins troll the streets looking for high fructose offerings from the gods of candy.
It’s also the season of desperate mothers trying to sew last minute details onto homemade costumes.
If you asked your mom to make you any of these costumes for Halloween, you need to apologize to her right now!
I know they were going for Beauty and the Beast up there to the right, but they got more of a confused kabuki actor with a mullet vibe going on.
And poor Frankenstein’s monster face. They wanted forehead ridges, but landed on the guy from Mask wearing a sweatband to hold back some stumpy dreadlocks.
Oh well, if sewing a full costume is too difficult, you can always go the simple route and just wear a fancy mask.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN KIDS!!!
(HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAMESON!!!)
Guy on right: “Hey Ted, what time should I set your alarm for?”
Guy on left: “Like it maters Mike; with your snoring, I won’t be getting any sleep anyway.”
Guy on right: “WHAT!? I’ve never heard you complain before!”
Guy on left: “Oh, I complained. You just couldn’t hear me over the 50 lumberjacks sawing logs that is your nightly symphony.”
Guy on right: “Well, I’m terribly sorry. I had no idea.”
Guy on left: “That’s OK, but frankly speaking, I’d rather it wasn’t your snoring that kept me up at night.”
Guy on right: “Ooohhh that’s sexy… but I have a meeting in the morning and you’re just gonna have to wear earplugs tonight.”
Little girl on right, whispering: “Hey Mary, you’re mom’s a total bitch for making us wear these hideous dresses to the party.”
Little girl on left, whispering: “Yeah, well at least she’s not a slut like your mom. Have I ever told you how much you look like the UPS guy?”
The only B-line made here will be the one your kids make for the door when you present them with the clothes made from this pattern.
It’s like Blossom and Punky Brewster vomited on the drafting table at Butterick and the patternmakers said, “yeah, that works!”
SAD PATTERNS PRESENTS:
REACHING FOR THE STARS IN STYLE!
Yeah, yeah, it’s all standard fare until you get to the messed up centurion from Neptune down on the left.
Seriously, it’s like Leatherface, Vir Cotto and Ultraman had a baby then sent him to Prince’s house to borrow a pillow case.
SAD PATTERNS PRESENTS:
This post originally appeared on November 21, 2011
A haiku for the lovely bride
Crocheting your dress?
You’ll look like a table cloth.
Just call Vera Wang.
Lee Majors and Christopher Atkins go disco dancing.