They see me rollin’…

jul2013zWhat bizarre, Dr. Moreau-esque experiment is this crap?

That poor bunny did nothing at all and then That Patchwork Place went and grafted a wheel to its front paws.

You bastards.

AND, If the plans in the embroidery sampler are to be believed, the freakish experiments that resulted in this atrocity aren’t done. Get ready for some back wheels Mr. Bunny – you should be street-legal by sundown!



Growing up isn’t easy

jul2013yAt one point in your adult life, you’ll look at yourself in the mirror, while wearing a homemade Daisy Kingdom dress and question whether or not it is appropriate to do so.

Unless you work at a toy store where your job is to entertain children by pretending to be a deranged character from a story book fable, then the answer is no, it’s not appropriate to wear a homemade Daisy Kingdom dress in your adult life.


Four of a kind



jul2013wWell, I knew the end was nigh, but I honestly didn’t think the four horsemen of the apocalypse would be this young!

Geez! Look at the kid on the far left. I don’t know who he’s looking at, but it looks like he’s wondering if this person would make a fitting sacrifice for his dark ceremony.

Remember when…

Today starts a new feature here on Sad Patterns!

I know I can feel the excitement! Of course, that could just be the Lucky Charms I had for breakfast repeating on me, but I digress…

With a veritable landfill’s work of terrible patterns to work with, I am declaring Fridays here on Sad Patterns FLASHBACK FRIDAYS and will be dipping into the archives to resuscitate a memorable post. I’ll try to add insights to what I was thinking about when riffing on the sewing atrocity, but mainly we’re here to laugh… and possibly regret owning the pattern in the first place.

Strap in people because we’re doing the Time Warp again!

This post originally appeared on August 10, 2011.

I found it odd that the biggest feature of this pattern – the rabbit costume – wasn’t included in the pattern.

If you see someone dressed in this costume and approaching you with a basket of stuffed bunnies, it is either:

A – The real Easter bunny here to spread joy and laughter to all the children of the world.

B – Happy Suzie, the bunny-gram your mom paid for to entertain all the kids at the Easter parade down at the church.

C – Creepy Mr. Jacobs violating his restraining order again.

Also, because it’s now stuck in my head:


Here, let’s stand in the shade…


At the Michaelson’s pool party, Laura and Suzie have their usual stimulating conversation…

Lady on left: “Wow Suzie! I’m surprised that they make patterns that can accommodate such a small bust! What is that? A children’s size?”

Lady on right: “No, it’s just custom fitted. It’s so nice to be able to show off my sewing skills like this, don’t you think? Being able to take of my jacket in public and not have to deal with all that pock-marked and saggy skin you constantly have to hide? Yes, it’s terribly freeing for me.”

Lady on left: “Well, there is something to be said for modesty. Speaking of which, I’m surprised that you’re still wearing pants. It’s well past noon, shouldn’t you be skinny dipping in the hopes of catching a much younger man’s eye by now?”

Lady on right: “Noon already!?! Gosh let me pour you another drink Laura; it is much too late in the day for you to be this sober.”


Cushioned for protection

jul2013uIs it me or does nothing fit this model? It’s like they were expecting someone heavier but had to make due with Twiggy here instead.

Now, I don’t know about you, but I loves me some patchwork; it’s really fun to play with fabrics and configurations. Unfortunately for Simplicity, this look comes off more like a jumbled mishmash of padded moving blankets than something you’d wear to the office.

Well, this is assuming you don’t work for a moving company.