No longer in style


Dear Style,

When you are shooting a photo for a wedding dress, please do the following:

1- Make sure the dress fits.

2- Find a model that doesn’t look like she is suffering from chronic constipation.

Hugs and kisses,

Sad Patterns


One zip and you’re glamorous!


You know, I just don’t think I’ll ever have an occasion to wear a bell-bottomed, form-fitted, front-zippered, jumpsuit tuxedo.

Actually, I don’t think there is any man on the planet that would have an occasion to wear a bell-bottomed, form-fitted, front-zippered, jumpsuit tuxedo, but I’m sure some guy out there is dying to prove me wrong.

Stitch and bitch


Lady on left: “I don’t understand how I let you talk me into posing for one of your stupid pattern pictures. My God this shirt is ugly. I still can’t believe you made these things.”

Lady on right: “Hey! What are you complaining about? You’re getting paid for this photo shoot.”

Lady on left: “Yeah right! What’s a few dollars compared to years of humiliation being known as the ‘Bargello Shirt’ lady?”

Lady on right: “Oh well, if you want to talk about humiliation, we should probably start with your hair.”

Lady on left: “I hate you so much right now.”

Oh joy.


A stuffed butterfly and fake cattails in tired hues of dirt brown and stale urine yellow…


You can practically feel the “joy” lifting off the pattern can’t you?

They ought to bottle this pattern up and sell it as a cure for depression.

Whiter whites



“Look lady; just take the damn picture so I can get out of this girly lace already. I got a date tonight and this baby bunting crap is cramping my style.”

Oh and I think I’m going to start a petition to bring back random, floating baby heads in advertising. WHO’S WITH ME??

The new hat


On the way to lunch, Linda says something she shouldn’t have…

Lady 2: “Look Pat, I didn’t mean…”

Lady 1: “It’s alright Linda. I know what you meant. But, you of all people know that I just can’t afford to fly off to Disneyland and get some authentic mouse ears. I had to make my own and I know they didn’t come out just right, but I’m happy with them and that’s all that matters.”

Lady 2: “I’m really sorry… hey! Would it make you feel better if I spoke like Donald Duck for the rest of the day?”

Lady 1: “Maybe, but I’d prefer Goofy…”

Fly fishing fashion


That trippy, mushroom applique seems appropriate, due to the fact that you would have to be high as a kite to walk out of the house in khaki, bib-front pants that look like tailored chest-waders from Cabela’s.