NEW YEAR’S EVE
Hey there foxy lady, what are you wearing to the New Year’s Eve party?
Standing under the glittery disco ball of the Jacobson’s annual New Year’s Eve party, Stacy and Gina awkwardly avoided each other’s glances. They both felt the same way about each other, but they knew theirs was a forbidden love that no party dress commonality could overcome.
Yes, because that’s what every woman wants to look like in a party dress – a slightly alluring pilgrim.
I have never understood the need to cut a perfectly good dress pattern out of a Laura Ashley bedspread. Now, I’m all for the shabby chic look, but at one point your skirt could double as a table cloth in Rachel Ashwell’s summer house. Also, no woman on the planet needs a fluffy bow atop her ass.
AND DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ABOUT THOSE WHITE PUMPS!
PRELUDE TO NEW YEAR’S EVE
Hey buddy, what are you wearing to the New Year’s Eve party?
For men, it’s difficult to find that one pattern that can take you from the dance floor on New Year’s Eve to a sit-in at the campus administration building, but thanks to the geniuses at Simplicity, men need not worry any more.
I suppose one could vary the looks and wear these shirts as one wishes, but let’s face it; it’s going to have to be a special kind of fashion-conscious man that can get away with a belted shirt under a tuxedo jacket.
Buy the kid a couple of Tonka trucks and some blocks at the store or spend a paycheck and the better half of a month assembling these foam and fabric nightmares only to have them tossed aside a few days after he loses interest in them?
Hmmm…I’ll have to think about this one for a while…
Now, I’m not saying that Simplicity was looking at the ladies of contemporary pop culture when they had this pattern sleeve commissioned, but going from left to right, these women look an awful lot like: Olivia Newton-John, Brigitte Nielson, “Who’s that girl” Madonna and Tia Carrere. It could just be a coincidence, but that woman in the leopard capris looks like she’s going to sing “Causing a Commotion” any second now.
What better way to celebrate Boxing day that with a pair of boxers!!
(Yeah, I know it’s a stretch, but just play along.)
This pattern seems pretty innocuous.
Sure, I imagine that guy #1 is watching guy #2 do a bland, yet alluring strip-tease, but hey, that’s just me.
What initially caught my eye on this pattern was the back detailing of guy #3’s boxer shorts. To date, I have never seen a boxer pattern for a man that had an opening in the back. Most men need the opening in the front for obvious going-to-the-bathroom reasons; therefore, I have come to the conclusion that this pattern has been designed for that particular type of man who prefers to sit when he tinkles. A rare breed indeed, but thanks to the compassionate geniuses at Simplicity, it is a rare breed that need not fear their future underwear choices.
SAD PATTERNS PRESENTS:
YUP, IT’S THAT TIME OF THE YEAR AGAIN…
Nothing says lovin’ like something from the oven!
Little girl: “Do I roll them out like this Mommy?”
Mother: “That’s right honey. Make sure it’s nice and smooth so the cookies bake evenly. Now, we just pop them in the oven until they are golden brown.”
Little girl: “They look delicious, but did we really need to put in that many boxes of Ex-Lax into the dough?
Mother: “Well Honey, this is a special recipe that we are making for Daddy’s secretary. She and Daddy are spending a lot of time together and I want her to know that if she plans on being his secret friend, there’s going to be a price to pay.”
MERRY CHRISTMAS, HAUNAKKA, KWANZAA, FESTIVAS, BOXING DAY AND ANY OTHER COOLER TEMPERATURE HOLIDAYS THAT I MISSED OPOSSUMS!!!
The whole “Elf on the Shelf” thing is getting out of hand. I mean, it was probably a cute idea at one time, but if you are busting out McCall’s 7099 and making these creepy toys to toss around the house so they can “do things” at night, you should probably seek some professional help.
Also, the plaid one looks like he’s gleefully peeing on the unsuspecting couple.