Guy 1: “Hey everybody! Who wants to bite my wiener?!?”
Lady 3: “Jesus Christ Mark! You use that same damn joke every time we have a freaking barbecue. For the last time, no one thinks you’re hot! Now get your ass back to the BBQ pit before I flame broil your head!”
Guy2: “So you see Sadie, my wife and I have an understanding… have you ever heard of ‘swinging’? I think we can have a lot of fun together…”
Lady 4: “The answer is and always will be ‘NO’ Travis, so unless you want to pull back a bloody stump, I suggest you get your hand off of my shoulder right-the-Hell now!”
Normally I’d be making fun of this pattern right about now, but for the love of God, something deep within the well of my blackened soul won’t let me. I love Wonder Woman, in any permutation and even though a knitted version of her iconic costume seems bizarre, there is a certain nostalgic quality that begs to be cherished.
You may be wondering what a blue pantsuit has to do with the Amazonian powerhouse, but rest assured, that doll is none other than WW’s secret identity, Diana Prince. Why the Hell she is wearing a bow tie is for you to decide.
Find out more about Wonder Woman here.
THE WEIRDEST OF THE WEIRD
What coke-snorting, LSD-dropping pattern designer made this psychedelic zoo? Was Timothy Leary moonlighting as a knitter?
I also like that they use the buzzwords “mod” and “wayout.” ‘Cause you know, this pattern isn’t weird enough!
Actually, I think I’m getting a contact high just looking at the picture.
Am I the only one freaking out here? Am I? AM I?
Hold my hand man, just hold my hand…tell me everything’s going to be OK.
DAMMIT MAN, TELL ME IT’S GOING TO BE OK!!!!!!
Oh God, what’s happening to me?
MOMMY? MOMMY IS THAT YOU?
Where are the cookies?
I see outer space and it is beeeeeeeeeautiful man… look at the stars… they’re all like…glowy and stuff…
Let me get my checklist out.
1 – Split at the center of the skirt that if it ever accidentally tore open would get you arrested for public indecency. CHECK
2 – Annoying, fur collar that will make you question why the Hell people started skinning fluffy animals in the first place. CHECK
3 – Giant, black, fuzzy stripe vividly outlining the widest part of your body in such a way that you think a big neon sign reading “HEY EVERYBODY, LOOK AT MY FAT ASS” would be more comfortable to wear. THAT’S A BIG OLD CHECK
Girl on left: “Damn girl, are you going to Tina’s slumber party. I hear she is going to have an all-girl game of spin the bottle.”
Girl on right: “Aww Hell-to-the-nah, chica! That Tina bitch is so played out. She always tryin’ to hook up with a honey. Besides, I just got a text from Big Bobby. He’s pickin’ me up so we can hit the all the after parties. You wanna come with?”
Girl on left: “Aight, but don’t come crying to me if Big Bobby starts slow dancin’ with some random tramp.”
Girl on right: “Girl, you gotta promise me; if you see me going all Hulk-mad on him, pull me off. I CANNOT get busted by the cops again.”
I know we have already covered this topic (Get it? Covered? Hur hur hur), but I just wanted some insight as to why pattern companies are obsessed with making anthropomorphic vacuum covers. This particular pattern also includes instructions for making smaller covers for blenders and other small appliances; I know, try to contain your enthusiasm.
It seems like it should be something shameful and wrong, but I can’t help but stare into those little ducky and cow button eyes and quietly covet such precious objects. I know how much better my vacuum cleaner would be if I could just drape the soft flowing skirt of a heifer over it. I could then pretend to dance, as I picked up the crumbs from the 3 dozen cookies I ate in the living room earlier that day. Life would be bliss.
Did I mention that I own this pattern? Oh… well… prolly should have kept that little bit of info to myself…
Wow, they weren’t kidding about Icelandic sweaters. These two look like they just stepped of the boat from Reykjavik.
I have a few questions for this pattern:
A – Where does her sweater end and his begin?
B – Why is he punching her in the gut/stabbing her with a dagger?
C – Why are they looking at two different things?
D – Who is steering the boat?
I await your answers Reynolds.