Hallow-awesome #1

Originally posted on May 26, 2011

Well, here we are ladies and gentlemen. My favorite costume fail, Sad Pattern! It seems fitting that this pattern is my favorite, because this is the pattern that got this entire blog rolling.

One day in May, my friend Cheryl was searching for some vintage clothing patterns (she shares my obsession). She sent me a link to a particularly good Donna Karan for Vogue wrap skirt. As I was getting back to the main search on the site, I saw this pattern in the search listings. I wet my pants because I was laughing so hard. I knew I just had to share it with the rest of my friends.  I found a few other stinkers, commented on them and then made a post on my other sewing blog. The response was great and a few days later, Sad Patterns was born.

Without further ado…

BOO!

“No Johnny, it’s perfectly acceptable to wear a white sheet with a matching hood for Halloween. Besides it’s a time saver QUICKIE, that’s how I was able to make all your friends matching ones. Won’t you all look amazing marching down the street together when you go to your friend Jamal’s Halloween party?!”

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Hallow-awesome #2

Originally posted on June 13, 2011

Believe it or not, this Sad Pattern is the second most viewed post on the blog. I have no clue why. I still don’t understand how any of these things go together. I am convinced that the major pattern companies have a giant bingo ball turner with random pattern ideas, written on scraps of paper, thrown into it. When they have to make a pattern quota, they just turn the handle a few times, reach in and grab the first three or four that they can. POOF! Instant Sad Pattern!

ESOTERICA, ETC…

How the Hell do any of these things go together? They’re not even all for the same age group or gender. For All Hallows’ eve, you can be Clytemnestra, the all white, lethargic version of the Statue of Liberty, a young Harun al-Rashid or a cast member of Pagliacci. ‘Cause when you think of fun on Halloween, you think of literature, history and opera.  And is it me, or is the Prince of Persia about to decapitate a circus clown? This pattern couldn’t be more confusing if it had a picture of hot pink dragons flying out of Lady GaGa’s ass.

Hallow-awesome #3

Originally posted on May 26, 2011

I get that kids play doctor, but this is going WAY too far. It’s not even a caricature of a medical professional; nurses really wear those scrubs to work! I can’t imaging that any kid voluntarily wanted to dress like this for Halloween or playtime.

SCRUB IN!

Batman? NO!  Power Ranger? NO! The Incredible Hulk? HELL NO! For Halloween this year I want to be a gay physician’s assistant with matching scrunchie please! Nothing says I’m experiencing the carefree abandon of my childhood like a nurse’s costume with sensible shoes! You other kids can play with your Pokemon and Hot Wheels, I have a date with a copy of Infectious Diseases of the Lower Abdomen: Vol. 3!

Hallow-awesome #4

Originally posted on June 10th, 2011

The fact that people CONSTANTLY want to dress like characters from Star Wars amazes me.  I personally don’t see the appeal, but hey, if it floats your boat, go for it! For an over-the-counter sewing pattern, this one is not that bad.  I’m sure true fans can nit-pick it, but for Butterick, it’s pretty good.

THE DORK IS STRONG WITH THIS ONE

Darth Vader mask: $12.99

Fabric for cape: $21.50

Printed vinyl breast plate: $32.20

Plastic lightsaber with real action sound: $43.65

The look on your sister’s face when you show up to her wedding dressed like this: Priceless

Hallow-awesome! #5

I LOVE HALLOWEEN!

There is no other holiday that allows you to dress up like a monster, scare people half to death, then demand they give you candy.  This is especially fun at retirement communities, but I digress. In honor of this stupendous day, I have chosen my five favorite costume fails to share with you.  So, sit back, relax and tear open another bag of mini Almond Joys; because nothing says HAPPY HALLOWEEN like a fun-sized, candy bar induced sugar coma!

Originally posted on June 8, 2011

What mother allowed their daughter to dress like a torch singer? The only accessories this look needs are a cigar-smoke filled bar and a guy named Fast Eddie playing a Baby Grand. Seriously, there should have been an accompanying pattern that included a disgruntled cocktail waitress and a bouncer.

WHEN I GROW UP…

Setting: Somewhere at the Butterick patternmaking think-tank..

Supervisor: “Hey guys, we need ideas for the  Mother/Daughter pattern line. Any suggestions?”

Patternmaker #1: “I have one. What about Mother Goose and two storybook characters. That would be a good mother/daughter combo. It’s wholesome and kid friendly”

Supervisor: “Nah… too commercial… NEXT!”

Patternmaker #2: “How about a mother mermaid and two little mermaids?”

Supervisor: “LAME! NEXT!”

Patternmaker #3: “Hey, how about a skanky lounge singer and two slutty backup singers in slinky black dresses. It would be awesome if the youngest could have, like, a Barbie doll in the same matching “Gilda” stripper dress. And, when we shoot the picture for the pattern sleeve, have the little girl look apprehensive and worried that what she is wearing is too mature for her. That would totally rock”

Supervisor: “NOW YOU’RE TALKING!”

Ghost of a chance

A prelude to Halloween…

Dear Dotti’s Designs,

You have no idea how long I have been waiting for your instructions on how to glue black dots to a sheet. My life was a total lie before I found this pattern. I’d accidentally run over my dog, lost all contact with my family and was living in a mental sinkhole that was pulling me deeper and deeper into the darkest pit of despair, usually reserved for the worst of sinners. Your pattern is the light and I, like a moth, drunk on the sweet glow of yon aura, am willing to lazily bounce around your porch bulb of hope in an empty world. God bless you Dotti’s Designs, now, I am sure to have 365 days of treats with nary a trick in sight.

Hugs and kisses,

Sad Patterns

…that’s a space station.

I’m not sure if this is an officially licensed pattern, but if it is, George Lucas needs to get his money back.

I think the patternmakers were going for Chewbacca, but got Bingo from the Banana Splits instead.

The Princess Leia costume is serviceable; actually, this is probably one of the few times the cinnamon buns work on someone.

I think that smallish, kimono-wearing lump is supposed to be Yoda, but it looks more like a six-year-old’s drawing of the Statue of Liberty.

The ones I really don’t get are the Darth Vader and Mini-me costumes. Look at big Darth’s eyes. Either he needs to lay off the caffeine or he is right in the middle of getting an old fashioned prostate exam.