Space case

OK. I get the cheetah, I get the bunny, what I don’t get is the “we have five minutes to put together a costume Billy… just tell your friends that you’re a space man… yeah that’s it, space man” look. The pattern makers couldn’t think of any other animals? Lets see, there are bears, cats, pigs, monkeys, platypuses… I could go on. I guess when this pattern was made, the good people at Butterick didn’t have access to an encyclopedia. What they DID have was endless hours of amusement thinking of  poor little Billy, trying desperately to come up with excuses, to all of his friends, as to why he is wearing a super-lame, loser costume.

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Bear hug

What the Hell is that? That bear is scaring the deepest regions of my soul. It reminds me of one of those dolls psychiatrists give kids to point out where the stranger “touched them”. Actually, the way the bear is sitting, it could have its own caption: “Hey little girl, come play with me”. And, what colorblind sample sewer made those color choices? ‘Cause when you think of fun, lighthearted kid colors, you think taupe and orange.

Golf with friends

Guy in white: “I heard you really shouldn’t wake sleep walkers, but this is going too far. It’s 3 in the morning and we’re half way through a full round of golf.”

Guy in blue: “I know! When you called me, I was in such a hurry; I put on my wife’s work shoes by accident. Steve’s gunna kill us when he wakes up, but this is just too freakin’ funny man.”

Steve: “FOOOOOORRRRRRREEEEEE!”

Jump!

How lovely! JUMPSUITS! ‘Cause all women know how fun it is to go to the bathroom in a jumpsuit. Oh wait! Simplicity has made it easy for you – the zipper is in the front.  Just imagine the ease and SIMPLICITY (get it) of wearing the beige one to a public toilet. Here are some suggestions to help you out: First, become a contortionist; because that is the only way you are going to manage to strip ¾ of the way down to expose your bra and panties and hold the rest of the jumpsuit from touching the nasty floor while slipping off your drawers and hovering over the disgusting toilet seat – don’t forget to wipe! Secondly, make sure to hang your oh so hip shoulder bad on a hook (if provided) so you are not picking wet fringe out of the toilet water. Aren’t jumpsuits fun?

Is it hot in here…

Nothing says ‘sexy’ like 14 yards of powder blue dotted swiss. You can tell she’s in the mood for lovin’ because of the rose. “Hey lover, come here and unfurl my nightgown”.  Also, how the Hell is she sitting on that chair? I’m thinking she recently had back surgery.

Surfin’ safari

Guy in striped shirt: “God damn that lifeguard is hot! One more strong wave and those trunks are coming all the way off”

Guy in green: “Do you think if I take off my shirt, he’ll notice me?”

Guy in back: “Who the Hell used the last of the suntan lotion? You bitches know I burn easily.”

It’s your duty to be beautiful…

Hey ladies! Remember, you can never be too young, thin or tall. Are you freaking kidding me? My left ankle is thicker than those girl’s waists.  A slight breeze could knock them over.  The pattern itself isn’t that bad, but I fear all or your stuff will go flying out of those microscopic pockets while your busting out a triple axle.  So lets see, lady in yellow, you bothered to match your sweater, socks, mittens and scarf but just got lazy when it came to the hat? You must have needed the extra strength to apply more shadow to your raccoon eyes.