As their mother informed them that their Aunt Karen was going to visit for a few days, the girls planned a fun surprise for her…
Girl in white night gown, whispering: “Hey, one night when Aunt Karen is going to bed, let’s wear our matching Easter dresses and do that ‘twins in the hallway from The Shining’ bit we’ve been working on, right outside her door.”
Girl in navy nightgown, whispering: “Oh man, that’ll be fun. You know Aunt Karen goes to bed with about a bottle and half of wine in her system, maybe this time she’ll really pee her pants in drunken terror.”
Girl in white night gown, whispering: “I’ve been watching Youtube videos on how to make fake blood pour from the top of our heads. It’s easy and we have all the ingredients in the kitchen.”
Girl in navy night gown, whispering: “I love it when Aunt Karen visits!”
I can’t imagine what the design brief said for this one:
“We need a pattern for a set of nightmare-inducing monsters that will forever scar a child’s life. They need to have judgmental and/or possessed eyes, jacked-up teeth and above all, a sense of impending terror. The child that sleeps with this thing needs to wake in the middle of the night, shivering and drenched in a frightened sweat.”
Lady: “Oooohhhh look Mike, it’s that party boat with the hot frat boys on it! Oh man, I’d love to skinny dip with that group of studs.”
Guy, yelling: “Hey guys! Wanna tie up and have a deck party?!”
Lady: “Mike! What are you doing?!? They’re never gonna hang out with us!”
Guy: “You don’t know that; besides, you didn’t think I was gonna let you grope all those hard bodies by yourself, did you?”
Lady: “Ugh, fine. I just hope we have enough beer to keep ’em happy.”
Guy: “Oh don’t worry, we got plenty to occupy them for a long time. Now you get the anchor out while I go below to slip into a Speedo. Oh, and I call dibs on the hottie in the red trunks, so no getting frisky until I look fabulous!!”
It took me way too long to realize that she wasn’t working on a scrappy lap quilt, but instead, has the world’s worst taste in pants.
That’s a pretty confident stance for someone who looks like a
production assistant for the Bozo Show.
Lady in blue: “OK, I’m just gonna take it in around the seat…”
Lady in red: “Umm, Val, where are your hands right now?”
Lady in blue: “Just making a dart…”
Lady in red: “Val, I don’t know how many times I have to tell you, you’re supposed to pinch the fabric, NOT MY ASS!!”
Lady in blue: “Oh, sorry, did I get you a little?”
Lady in red: “Oh, you can say that. It was kinda like the time you were fitting the bust, grabbed both my boobs and yelled, HONK HONK. So yeah, JUST A LITTLE…”
Have you ever woken up in the morning and thought,
“Now, if only there was a way to wear the severed heads of technicolor geese around my neck all day, my life would be complete”?
Well then, HAVE I GOT A BOOK FOR YOU!!!