A tropical print blazer and matching bikini top…
Because what woman hasn’t had to conduct a board meeting on a beach?
“Here we are in Fiji, and I have to discuss projected sales growth for the global logistics committee. WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO WEAR!?!”
Yes Butterick, I’m sure there are just dozens of women lining up to buy this pattern so they too can dress like a British char-woman ready to scrub the floors.
So, “dressed up” means slapping a ribbon around a duck’s neck and calling it a day? Oh sorry, for Christmas, it gets a wreath. Well EXCUUUUUUUUSE ME, Lake Cottage Applique! Here I thought I’d get a duck in a tux or a ball gown or, Hell, even a pair of overalls, but NOOOOO, just a lousy red ribbon anyone can purchase at the craft store.
Listen up, Lake Cottage Design, when you flash the braggadocios title DRESSED UP DUCK across your pattern sleeve, you damn well better deliver something more than a strip of grosgrain, ya hear!! At least Lucy Lamb isn’t putting on airs and calling herself something she isn’t. She knows her fluffy place and would never sink to such untrue lows.
Hey everybody! Remember when everyone one wore
clown shirts and teased their hair into mushroom clouds?
Yeah, me neither.
funny, paterns, Sad Patterns,
Girl on right: “He’s the one -the tall guy with the hat.”
Girl on left: “Ahh yes, he will make a fine sacrifice for the dark lord.”
Girl on right: “Now, remember your training. When you approach him, pretend you are scared to cross the street, then when he holds your hand to cross, drain him of his life essence.”
Girl on left: “The Master will devour his soul with relish!”
Girl on right: “OK, get going, and make it quick! We still have to get to school, and you know if we’re late to class just one more time, Mrs. Crabtree is gonna give us detention!”
Girl on left: “I fear her wrath more than the Dark One’s.”
Girl on right: “RIGHT!? At least the Dark One doesn’t give us pop quizzes.”
That’s the facial expression of a guy who is thinking,
“This outfit isn’t going to make me look like an idiot, is it?”
My friend Michelle sent me this little paperback treasure the other day…
Innocuous enough, I guess. There are instructions for hairpin lace shawls, his and her sweaters and whimsical hats, like this, for kids:
Of course, the purple one looks like she beheaded a Muppet and is parading it’s head on a pike, but still, pretty unassuming.
As we peruse the pages of this slice of knitting kitsch, we must slam on the breaks and witness the horror and unbelievable nightmare that is…
Yes, now you too can knit up a yarn monstrosity of your very own!
Because, let’s face it, you didn’t want to ever sleep again, did you?
Thank you so very much, Michelle. I’m sure my therapist will be sending you an invitation to the christening of the yacht he is going to buy with all the money he earns helping me through this yarn trauma.
(And yes, that is the full pattern for you to enjoy.
Please, if you make one of these things, post a picture for me to cherish.)