How do you spell lame?

How does Simplicity do it? It must take a ton of effort to make the exact same pattern over and over again and not realize it. I’ll never understand how those brave, brave patternmakers endure such death-defying hardships like this.

Oh, and way to go on putting your thumb firmly up the butt of pop culture guys. Elvis and Cher? What, did you lazy bastards not want to spell out THE CAPTAIN AND TENNILLE or ENGELBERT HUMPERDINCK?

Here are some other popular musical personalities I suggest that the good people at Simplicity might want to consider spelling on the sleeve of the next incarnation of this pattern, ‘cause you know there will be one:

W E I R D  A L  Y A N K O V I C

J Ó N  “J Ó N S I”  Þ Ó R  B I R G I S S O N

M A R S H A  W A T T A N A P A N I C H

Α P Y U Y U P η ς   Ν A σ T O π O U λ O ς

Pieces of you…

I don’t think “THE FASHION ONE” is the proper tag line for Butterick patterns.

Maybe something along the lines of “THE WASTE THE BETTER HALF OF A MONTH PATCHWORKING AND QUILTING A HIDEOUS SKIRT AND MATCHING BAG THAT ARE SO FREAKING UGLY, NONE OF YOUR FRIENDS WILL WANT TO BE SEEN IN PUBLIC WITH YOU ONE”

Bear with me

Mother’s helper? Funny, this doesn’t look like a bottle of Valium.

The only thing it’s helping me do is avoid “Yours Truly” patterns. Apparently, the bear legs are pockets so a mother can store things in them, like a breast milk pump or dirty diapers.

It’s a good thing this pattern exists, because, as we ALL know,  new mothers have so much free time on their hands after a baby is born that they will probably need something to do.  Moms can sew this up while  lounging on the patio and sipping champagne as the pool boy fans them with a palm leaf.

See, that helps!

2+1 = Fun!

I love the fact that they are lighting up while discussing their plans…

Guy B (in blue shorts): “So, what do you think of our friend back there in the striped shirt?”

Guy A (in Red shirt): “I’m not sure. This is kind of a touchy subject.  Do you think he would be receptive to the idea?”

Guy B (in blue shorts): “It’s hard to tell. Not every guy out there is into three-ways.”

Only human

Hmm… let’s see. Larger sized cardigans – OK, a special collection of men’s sweaters – alright, dresses to knit and crochet – well, that seems fine. What could possibly land this knitting magazine on this websi… OH MY GOD! IS THE MODEL ON THE LEFT EVEN HUMAN?

Holy cow! She has the neck of a Maasai warrior and the face of a window display mannequin. And what the Hell is on their shirts? They look like they are being attacked by Technicolor yarn parasites. RUN!! The pom-pom brain slugs have already begun to feed on their hair!!!

Let’s create!

Yes! Finally! Now EVERYONE can have a double breasted, artist’s smock with a belt and notched lapel! Because nothing, I mean NOTHING, says “create with reckless abandon” like a tailored coat in wool tweed! And, because men and women have EXACTLY the same body types, I know this pattern will fit anyone! Thank you McCall’s patterns; you TOTALLY understand the creative process!

Stacked

A Kleenex box cozy, a penguin, a square pig, a duffle bag, a lion footstool and a garment bag… huh? Once again Simplicity takes the cake for most confusing pattern of the year. I like the fact that the color schemes have NOTHING to do with anything even remotely cohesive. Maybe the penguin, pig and lion are representative of some deranged, tribal totem pole. If that is the case, might I suggest we sacrifice this pattern to the gods of “making sense” so the rest of us never have to endure this insane lack of judgment. Although, if the smug look on the pig’s face is any indication of things to come, we already may be doomed.

Sew simple…

I have three thoughts on this one:

- Something tells me that “Super Simple” refers to both the blouses and the models.

- Hey, model on the left… EAT SOMETHING!

- Jen and Karen were told to follow the camera with their heads. Unfortunately, they did too good of a job when the photographer blacked out and fell on his side.

Your in-flight movie will be drunk

Because every teen and young junior wants to look like a TWA flight attendant from the 60′s.

“Dello everyone ands welcome asmoard! My fame is Mindy… Dindy… Cindy… whatev-fer… and I’ll be your stewardesses on board of this wittle-bitty flight this fine fine summer’s day. This is my lastest flight befored I’d been fired so lets PAR-TAY! WOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOO! Wowser… them 3 bottles of champagne I just chugged are kicking the Hell in. See my hand? It’s spermanently cramped in this here position because that’s how many flutes of room-temperature champers I’ve consu… comnsu… conmsun… DRANK! Show, shit back and enjoyed your fight and we’ll be on the grounds in no time flatter.  I’ma just gunna take a wee-little nappy poo here on the drink carts… zzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz…”