Girl on left: “Oh how exciting! Our first safari! I can’t wait to see all the wild animals! The guide said we might even be able to feed some of them.”
Girl on right: “OH HELL NO! Get me outta this stinkin’ wilderness! This stupid ape’s got dibs on my new hat and I’ll be dammed if I’m gonna let him fling poo on my cute outfit. I didn’t sign up for this crap! I thought it’d be fun to see some leopards, but I ain’t tossing no jungle cat some raw meat! I’m going back to the hotel where they have room service and maids and cute pool boys who’ll fan you while you sip a pina colada. Call the jeep to come pick me up; you on your own bitch!”
Girl on left: “Why the Hell are we friends?”
Because when I think of cuddly toys, I think of crocheted donkeys with mohawks, walking in the desert, surrounded by generic plants.
Can’t you feel the warm fuzzies already?
SAD PATTERNS PRESENTS:
This post originally appeared on September 27, 2011
Because when you think of the beach, you instantly think of teddy bears…
“Honey, I’m packing for the beach. Could you bring me my teddy bear? He loves getting sand in his paws just as much as I love cleaning him afterwards. Grab his sunglasses too; it’s bright outside. Oh and I’ll need my counted cross stitch. You know, the one I’m working on for your mother… the one that says ‘life’s a beach’. I love sorting my floss in the hot sun with sand getting in every single thread. It’s hours of fun. Oh, and my pink radio too. Gotta have my tunes while I’m counting squares in my aida cloth!”
You know what I’ve always wanted?
That’s right! A giant cow bag with fringe.
Nothing says, “I’m cool and on top of all the latest trends,” like synthetic heifer skin outlined in upholstery trim.
And on the odd chance that the Guernsey bag is unavailable, I’ve already signed up for the watermelon tote, so hands off!
What the Hell swinging on the moon with a flute and a couple of percussion instruments has to do with Cinderella, is beyond me.
Moreover, why are these girls up so late?
The moon looks a little ticked that they started a jam session that late at night. And you know, I don’t really blame the guy. In all fairness, he has to go to be early in the morning.
Luckily, I forgot about this movie, and if there was ever a need for the masses to dress like cheesy caricatures from the cast, then I DEFINITELY don’t need to remember it.
I can’t tell if this was intended to be costumes or street clothes; either way, people are going to question your attachment to day-glo nylon jackets and little checkered flag appliques, so it’s probably best to walk around with a treat bag half filled with candy – even if it’s the middle of March.
“Guys, ummm, I don’t think the hat fits just right. It’s nothing against the stylist, I just think we need a different size. I mean, I kinda look like the business end of a Q-Tip right now and I don’t think that’s the look you want. You see, this is my first professional modeling job and I just want to get it right, so if we could please get a new hat…”