At the last photo shoot, the models had a few things on their minds…
Lady in brocade toque, top left, thinking: “Act professional; this is your first paid job. it doesn’t mater that this hat looks like the top of a salt shaker; it’s still a paycheck…”
Lady in teal scarf, top middle, thinking: “Bitch, I make this scarf look gooooooooood…”
Lady in beret, top right, thinking: “Hmmm, I wonder if that coupon to Denny’s has expired yet…”
Lady in red turban, bottom right, thinking: “If he thinks I’m gonna let him move into my place with that mangy dog, he is sadly mistaken. It’s bad enough I put up with his stinky gym socks, but if he thinks that mutt is having its way with my Ethan Allen furniture, he’s got another thing coming…”
Lady in beret, bottom middle, thinking: “Gawd dammit people! Can we hurry this along? I gotta pick up my dry-cleaning before five!”
Lady in white toque, bottom left, thinking: “Is that a spider? I think that’s a spider. The second I lose eye contact, it’s gonna move and… OMG WHERE’D IT GO?!!??!”
It’s always funny to me that a devil manages to make its way onto a lot of children’s costume patterns. We’ve covered a ton of them here that make room for the dark side, and it seems to be a trend that blankets all of the major printing companies.
I wonder who keeps injecting the lives of innocent youths with all this black magic…
SAD PATTERNS PRESENTS:
This post originally appeared on October 13, 2011
Dear Threads magazine,
Just because you can sew, doesn’t mean you should. I’m not sure why you chose to feature a baby-shit green and eggplant trimmed blouse and a matching pair of Z. Cavaricci knock-offs on your cover, but something tells me the use of illegal drugs had something to do with it. This outfit has more pleats and tucks in it than post-op patients at a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon’s recovery room. Yet, something tells me that sewing up all of those neck waddles was less painful than having to construct the ugliest garments on the planet.
Stop it Threads. Stop it now.
Hugs and kisses,
P.S. The hat is also hideous and doesn’t match anything. Its only saving grace is that most of the magazine title obscures its view.
Girl in green dress… OK. A bit twee, but still sweet.
Girl in long red dress… Sufficiently covered and still holding on to her innocence.
Girl in floral print dress… Uhhh, honey, who the hell told you to pose like that? You’re way too damn young to be standing like a woman who wants the guy, one bar stool over, to buy her a drink.
B, A and C look poised and professional – ready to take on the day and succeed at their workplace while wearing their geometric 80’s finery.
D is clearly trying too hard to look sexy in a blouse that a nineteenth century school teacher would consider too much coverage.
The black career-wear pumps say “I’m ready for work!” But, the puffy sleeves and prairie skirt say, “There’s chores that need’ta be gittin’ done, here on Pleasant Valley Acres!”
Seriously, where the Hell is this dress going in gray cotton? It’s too ridiculous for the office and not formal enough for evening wear.
Hell, the only accessory I can suggest is a butter churn.
I can’t tell if the kid in the shorts is driving a cab to the airport in 1976 or trying to sell me a newspaper in 1937.