Little girl in pink: “That’s right honey! Yo mamma’s so fat, when she wears a red dress, the kids in the neighborhood yell, “Hey, Kool-Aid!”
Little girl in green: “Biiiiiiiiiiiitch! What you say ’bout my mamma?”
Little girl in white: “FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!…”
Janice could never have imagined what was going to happen when she suggested the ladies of the Sycamore Avenue book club read The Story of O that month.
Eyes were opened, minds were set free and at least two of the women went shopping for leather bras.
Lady on left: “Hey Charmaine, did you have trouble finding a handbag that goes with your outfit? I’ve looked everywhere and can’t find anything to match.”
Lady on right: “Girl, who needs a hand bag with all of this room in the crotch? I just unzip and throw all my stuff down a pant leg.”
Lady on left: “Really? Is it difficult to find things when they are swimming in 42 yards of fabric?”
Lady on right: “Well, sometimes, but I just root around until I feel something familiar. People stare, but it only gets awkward when I have to carry groceries home.”
A TRIP DOWN MEMORY LANE
Well now this pattern seems innocuous enough. OR DOES IT???!!
Drama aside, I remember this pattern VERY well.
I learned to sew in my sophomore year of high school; actually, I blame my sister for my design career. She initially wanted to go into design, but gave up on it. I thought it sounded like a fun idea and played around with some fashion sketches, then one day during the summer, Funny Face with Audrey Hepburn came on TV and I was quickly seduced by the idea of making clothes.
Cut to the summer before my junior year and I got it in my head that I was going to make ALL of my shirts for the school year. My mother, grandmother and I went to Cloth World and bought all of the fabric I would need. At that time, novelty prints were being introduced to the mass market and I bought some amazing Joe Boxer prints. Do you know what it’s like to wear a shirt with pig lawyers on it? WELL I DO!
Being the “designer” I thought I was, I altered the collars and cuffs to be extra large. If you remember butterfly collars from the seventies, I was sporting Mothara collars. They couldn’t be big enough. I thought it was awesome!
Maybe it was par for the course that some of the jocks made fun of my shirts because I made them, but looking back, it doesn’t really matter. Because of my sewing, I have won numerous awards, cash, prizes and even a week-long trip to Paris, France to compete in an international design competition.
Screw you jocks!
FINALLY, MY LIFE IS COMPLETE!
I have always wanted to know what it would be like to wear a Persian cat around my neck all day!
God bless you Simplicity patterns!
I get that a little plush rainbow will bright up a room, but if you put too many of them up, people are going to think you hired the gayest Care Bear in Care-a-lot to decorate your house.
On a construction note, sewing satin is a BITCH. Stuffing it is even worse. As soon as you cram the Poly-fil in the little opening, it comes shooting out again… like the rainbow is crapping marshmallow fluff.
Now, where have I seen that hat before?
Hmmm, oh well… it will come to me eventually…
The squatting kid is teaching the others:
A – How to play Leap Frog
B – How to catch a gounder in baseball
C – How to look into the girl’s locker room from the cracked tile in the janitor’s supply closet at school.
Girl on right: “It’s no use Helen; even with this super-enhanced zoom feature on my camera, I still can’t find your boobs. And if I can’t find them, no man on the planet will be able to find them either. I guess that’s the curse of being flat as a pancake!”
Girl on left: “Can it Glenda! You’re just jealous because I’m marrying Rob from accounting. Frankly, it’s your own fault. If you’d have put out on the first date when you two went out that one time, we wouldn’t be having this little conversation, would we?”
A TRIP DOWN MEMORY LANE…
Every year, my elementary school had a Halloween carnival. It was on school grounds and held at night so it was extra spooky. Well, as spooky as a cardboard cut-out of a smiling 80’s cartoon vampire can be. All of the classrooms were turned into carnival games. There were cake walks and door prizes. It was pretty freaking awesome!
Now, call me spoiled, but I grew up with a mother who could and still can sew. One year I dressed as Zorro in a costume she made. I think we bought the pants and shirt, but she made the cape, cummerbund and mask.
I looked cool.
When we got to the carnival, there were a lot of kids with store-bought costumes and a lot of kids with homemade costumes. There were a few kids wearing capes with one major difference. Their capes were made from black garbage bags tied around their necks. At the time, I thought I was out of place because no one had a cape like mine, but looking back I am so very lucky that mine was sewn from fabric; not because it was made with love, but because I secretly hope it made the other kids, sporting Hefty bags, wish they had a mother like mine – skilled at sewing and making the rest of the well-to-do moms in the PTA look like crap!
GO MOM!
