Head games

jul2014pAt the last photo shoot, the models had a few things on their minds…

Lady in brocade toque, top left, thinking: “Act professional; this is your first paid job. it doesn’t mater that this hat looks like the top of a salt shaker; it’s still a paycheck…”

Lady in teal scarf, top middle, thinking: “Bitch, I make this scarf look gooooooooood…”

Lady in beret, top right, thinking: “Hmmm, I wonder if that coupon to Denny’s has expired yet…”

Lady in red turban, bottom right, thinking: “If he thinks I’m gonna let him move into my place with that mangy dog, he is sadly mistaken. It’s bad enough I put up with his stinky gym socks, but if he thinks that mutt is having its way with my Ethan Allen furniture, he’s got another thing coming…”

Lady in beret, bottom middle, thinking: “Gawd dammit people! Can we hurry this along? I gotta pick up my dry-cleaning before five!”

Lady in white toque, bottom left, thinking: “Is that a spider? I think that’s a spider. The second I lose eye contact, it’s gonna move and… OMG WHERE’D IT GO?!!??!”

 

You little devil!

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It’s always funny to me that a devil manages to make its way onto a lot of children’s costume patterns. We’ve covered a ton of them here that make room for the dark side, and it seems to be a trend that blankets all of the major printing companies.

I wonder who keeps injecting the lives of innocent youths with all this black magic…

Snipped threads

SAD PATTERNS PRESENTS:

FLASHBACK FRIDAY!!!

This post originally appeared on October 13, 2011

Dear Threads magazine,

Just because you can sew, doesn’t mean you should. I’m not sure why you chose to feature a baby-shit green and eggplant trimmed blouse and a matching pair of Z. Cavaricci knock-offs on your cover, but something tells me the use of illegal drugs had something to do with it. This outfit has more pleats and tucks in it than post-op patients at a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon’s recovery room. Yet, something tells me that sewing up all of those neck waddles was less painful than having to construct the ugliest garments on the planet.

Stop it Threads. Stop it now.

Hugs and kisses,

Sad patterns

P.S. The hat is also hideous and doesn’t match anything. Its only saving grace is that most of  the magazine title obscures its view.

All grown up?

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Girl in green dress… OK. A bit twee, but still sweet.

Girl in long red dress… Sufficiently covered and still holding on to her innocence.

Girl in floral print dress… Uhhh, honey, who the hell told you to pose like that? You’re way too damn young to be standing like a woman who wants the guy, one bar stool over, to buy her a drink.

To each her own

july2014kB, A and C look poised and professional – ready to take on the day and succeed at their workplace while wearing their geometric 80’s finery.

D is clearly trying too hard to look sexy in a blouse that a nineteenth century school teacher would consider too much coverage.

 

Neither here nor there

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The black career-wear pumps say “I’m ready for work!” But, the puffy sleeves and prairie skirt say, “There’s chores that need’ta be gittin’ done, here on Pleasant Valley Acres!”

Seriously, where the Hell is this dress going in gray cotton? It’s too ridiculous for the office and not formal enough for evening wear.

Hell, the only accessory I can suggest is a butter churn.